Lights. A vast expanse of land stretches beneath me-- Lit up as though it were a Christmas tree. Small and large: white, blue, green, and red bulbs-- both blinking and steady. The branches humble themselves with patches of darkness and uneven patterns. But as we begin our descent, this huge warmness dims, showing itself to be only single women rushing home from nine to fives--to empty apartments-- to rush hour traffic. It is mearly September, but I find the chill to be most unbearable.
I woke up this morning wanting to cry. Not scream, not run, not sleep-- but cry. I feel as though my life does not exist. As though I am not living it-- I feel like I am asleep. Like I need a change-- a dramtic change to wake me up and let me know I'm still the one drawing my own breaths. I feel alone. But how can one not feel alone when they always are?
I know that it must be the pregnancy-- but it has been my experience in the past that if you are unhappy, you can always do something to rememdy the problem. You can make some change to your lifestyle, your mindset-- you can take care of it all on your own. I feel helpless against this. I want something more-- something different, new, exciting-- but I know I have to deal with the circumstances at hand in a responsible manner: that I have to sit back and do nothing, because there is nothing rational that can be done.
Its suffocating. To feel like you can do nothing-- to be told you cannot. But God has a sense of humor-- and and a hell of a lot of compassion. Today, on the day I felt I would surely break-- I woke up to a message on my cell phone.
It was from Josh, telling me how much he loved me and needed me-- and it was a definite boost from feeling worthless. But to top it off, when I came out of class it was raining. Not pouring down so badly that you couldn't walk from class to car, but raining, lightly enough to see out your windshield-- and the sky is a wonderful kind of dark today. It is chilly and windy-- and dim today.
So I feel like there is something coming for me-- and maybe I will have to wait until after the baby for it to reveal itself, maybe I will have to force it to-- but today reminded me that the blood running through my veins is not yet running cold-- and that there is still hope to truly feel its warmth.
I cannot wait to feel like myself again.
- (no subject)